I want someone who will look at me the same way I look at chocolate cake
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The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits
Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he's lost?
You wanna know who I'm in love with? Read the first word again
Don't judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect
I could be a morning person.. if morning was sometime around noon
I'm as single as a dollar and i'm not looking for a change
How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg
Help and you will be helped
If I was a bird, I know who I'd shit on
Comedian, Historian, Philosopher
Actor, Comedian, Writer