I want someone who will look at me the same way I look at chocolate cake
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits
Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he's lost?
You wanna know who I'm in love with? Read the first word again
Don't judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect
Fellow, stand away from my diagram
How many legs does a dog have if you call his tail a leg? Four. Saying that a tail is a leg doesn’t make it a leg
My goal this weekend is to move only enough so people know I am not dead
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book
I'm going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding
I could be a morning person.. if morning was sometime around noon
Actor, Comedian
Comedian, Historian, Philosopher
Comedian, Writer
Actor, Comedian, Writer
