My goal this weekend is to move only enough so people know I am not dead
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits
Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he's lost?
You wanna know who I'm in love with? Read the first word again
Don't judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect
To improve is to change, so to be perfect is to change often
If you think you can slander a woman into loving you, or a man into voting for you, try it till you are satisfied
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted
It is safer to be silent than to reveal one's secret to any one, and telling him not to mention it
If I was a bird, I know who I'd shit on
Anything new is always considered the devil's tool
Actor, Comedian
Comedian, Historian, Philosopher
Comedian, Writer
Actor, Comedian, Writer
