There is never enough time to do all the nothing you want
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits
Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he's lost?
You wanna know who I'm in love with? Read the first word again
Don't judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect
I want someone who will look at me the same way I look at chocolate cake
My goal this weekend is to move only enough so people know I am not dead
I can't imagine a man really enjoying a book and reading it only once
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on
Don’t fall in love. Fall off a bridge, it hurts less
A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy
Actor, Comedian
Comedian, Historian, Philosopher
Comedian, Writer
Actor, Comedian, Writer